Jetpack astronaut

Jetpack Astronaut is a lazy template flip, stamped out from the godawful Gamemaker Studio 2 game engine. It's a lame single button ripoff of Moon Lander from the 1970's. Tap the thrust button to propel an unanimated "astronaut" around obstacles to different platforms.

This garbage doesn't even have a working fullscreen. If you're going to rip off video games 50 years old, you should at least try to make it a better game. There's also a comedy price of $10 for this train wreck. I know the developers thought that would be a funny joke, but it's just insulting.

I bought this game on Steam with my money, my soul, and nothing but good intentions. I proceeded to beat it and the game crashed but I think that was my favourite part. Collecting coins is a must for purchase of the lvl 5 helmet makes the game a breeze. Which is weird because there isnt wind in space, right? So how does it become a breeze?

Well, we can see particles in the atmosphere surrounding our astronaut as if on their own. This indicates some level of wind speed present within this planet. However, these "particles" might be little insects, like ones found on our own Earth. I believe that more testing is required before we can draw any conclusions. I await funding from the suits upstairs.

As for our astronaut, his sprite moves very slightly, rotating, when he builds up momentum. This is pretty cool, and really adds a level of speed to the game that would otherwise be missed, dearly. Furthermore, I believe this adds extra weight to the wind theory on this planet as if he really were to be gathering momentum, in a vacuum, would he not simply drift away? For those in the audience who say "Ah! But you see, in a vacuum AND in a gravity, the astronaut would retain momentum anyway!" But he does in fact, and you may want to sit back down for this, FALL DOWN! Yes, he falls when we stop inputting the command to keep his jetpack a-bursting.

But what if "he" isnt really a he? Not like how you or I would see a he. No, more like possibly an alien...

I have this theory that perhaps it isnt a jetpack afterall. Most jetpacks, I believe, would require more time to charge up, or refuel, than what is shown in game. I have reason to believe, nay, I DO believe, that the astronaut is a FACADE!

Yes, you heard me right! A facade. His jetpack is but an anus, on a rotating swivel. The "energy cells" you pick up from the platforms? Food! That his "visor", which is really a mouth, is inhaling at terminal velocity! This is immediately transformed into energy with a metabolism faster than we have ever seen. Perhaps the "visor" itself is a layer of digestive fluids that break down the food upon inhalation, turning it into energy.

I request funding from the nations of the world, so as we may learn more about this new species. Hopefully we find it to be a peaceful one, or else we may all be sucked into the gaping maw and transformed into butt fuel for its jetpacking crusade.

I'd rather spend the time necessary getting MS Dos up and running to play original lunar lander than play this poor remake.